No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
