It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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