if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize