Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
