mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
