You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
