he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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