i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
