Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
