True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
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