Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize