i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
