i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He passed out mid-signature
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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