dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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