I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
you had me at cake vodka
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
