I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
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