so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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