If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
