my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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