I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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