Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
