Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Randomize
