I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
