Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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