I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
