tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Operation Purity has been aborted
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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