I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize