this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
