my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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