I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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