I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
