I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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