I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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