just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
