Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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