Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Green mimosas i think yes
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Randomize
