So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
