dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
