My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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