I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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