You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Of course I have a pirate flag
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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