I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just pynch a tree in the face
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
