dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
