bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
