He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
