Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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