so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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