My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
