i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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