i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
