Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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