bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
and you fell through a lawn chair
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
