I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
