I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
