no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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