We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
