matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
