After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
