Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
