When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
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