I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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