I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
