She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
