Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
