ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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