I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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