Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
