Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
