Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
