I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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