Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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